There are few beauty trends I refuse to try (or re-try now that I have reached my status as a fully cooked diva).  I also advise other ladies to be similarly adventurous and take new looks for a test drive.  There, however, are exceptions; for example, I would recommend that you avoid attempting to curl your eyelashes with an actual heated curling iron, regardless of how in style exceptionally curled lashes happen to be at the moment. 

One item I will avoid is press on nail kits which use as adhesive small double sided tape-like tabs to affix the false nail to the real nail.  They range in price from around $5-$10, bepending on the particular brand and variety. This is not to say that I have never worn false nails (call them what you want: tips, overlays, wraps, extensions: get over it with the euphemisms—they are fake nails). Sometimes a diva does not have time to recover from a nasty nail mishap; those chariot doors can be heavy if they slam back on a goddess’ finger. I am simply NOT convinced that double sided tape cuts it. After all, a rural diva sometimes is called on to do more than just stand around and be worshipped and, horror of horrors, sometimes even a living deity must get in there and get her hands dirty in that muck which fouls up the mortal world. I just don’t think a piece of plastic is going to stay stuck to my nail with a quarter inch square of scotch tape, double sided or not, while I dig in the dirt or clear out a (take a gulp of fresh air) barn drain with my bare and ungloved hands—oh, the sacrifices we are called on to make.

I remember when Lee Press Ons were first advertised on television in the 1980s (was that so long ago, gentle reader?), featuring a woman (at least I assume) opening a canned beverage with a deliciously polished crimson talon. Now, the implication was clear: this nail is actually a Lee Press On. But, even when my age was still in the single digit (even divas are children once), I found myself thinking: I don’t think so. That is correct; I started my diva training and research early.

It is pretty darn traumatic breaking a nail as it is. Even the most meticulous, professionally applied fake nails do detach themselves every now and again, but imagine the embarrassment you would suffer from running your fingers through your hair and half of your finger nails remain behind.

Word to the wise: if you are going to go with false nails, go see a nail tech. If you must save a few bucks, go to the store and pick up the nails (not the tips that you have to fill—doing those on yourself is VERY tricky, even for those with professional training, especially when you have to use your non-dominant hand—go with the full nails) you must glue on. Yes, they will damage your real nail more than using tape, but that is the price one must pay for instant beauty.

 Also, be very careful to maintain a close inspection on your nails. Nails done at home are at a higher risk of developing nail fungus. Having seen some cases, nothing could be further away from sexy than a fungus growing on your body.

If you are wary of becoming a human Petri dish by growing fungus on your nails, spend the money for a professional job or invest in some nail growth polish and have a little patience. If you drum those stubby nails on a hard surface, you will get the blood flowing to the nails and will, in fact, encourage growth.

So, ladies, even when the pressure is on to look fabulous from tip to toes, don’t cut too many corners and end up using tape to hold on your fake nails. And if you know a friend who is contemplating such an act, remind them that it, plain and simple, is a bad idea and just plain wrong. Remember, friends don’t let friends look bad.